I don't know what to do. It's not pornography, but yet it is. I can go weeks, even several months without looking or even thinking anything even remotely wrong and then the tiniest little thing will send me spiraling back. I HATE IT! But I have no idea what to do about it. Last night I was able to stop myself from looking at any pictures or videos, but I was reading stories and COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! I KNOW its wrong and I try sooooooooooo hard to not even remotely think about it, but it seems like Lucifer  KNOWS I have a 'weak spot' for it (per se) and just cant seem to control it. I feel horrible about it the second I even think about it and try to do everything to get it out of my mind (read scriptures, pray, sing hymns) but nothing seems to work. I want to feel the Spirit more than anything and keep it in my life ALWAYS but I never seem to be able to.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I should see the Bishop about it, but then I don't want him to be looking badly on me. But then on the other hand, I also kinda feel like it is the only way to stop this. I don't know how, but it does. I have tried deleting and blocking absolutely everything that even tempts me at all but I still seem to find other ways or am stupid and go back to the old ways. I just don't know how to change things. I've thought about fasting, but because of my acid reflux medicine I have to eat. I've thought about just not taking it, but then I know how much pain it causes me to be in. But then other other hand, I think that He may take away some of the pain so that I can deal with it and if not, then I guess I kinda deserve it and should see it a blessing of sacrifice, so minimal to all that the Savior suffered in Gethsemane.

I want to live my life worthily. I want to find an eternal companion, be sealed in the Temple, and be sealed to my family for time and all eternity. I strive to live my best every day, and I do pretty good most days, but then there are days like yesterday that just set me back.

I have repented (or at least have tried earnestly to, praying and begging for forgiveness) but yet I can never forgive myself let alone forget. I feel like I have 'repented' for this sin too many times and that the Lord can't forgive me another time. I've had my chances and I haven't taken them. I haven't truly repented if I keep returning to my same old habits.

Looking back, I honestly can't remember how all of this started. It was probably like it starts now, little by little things happen and I turn to it. I know at the time (I was 14), I was feeling all alone. I had no friends at church or school, everyone around me seemed to 'eat, drink, and be merry' and just do whatever they wanted. I had just broken my ankle and pretty much every single person in marching band decided that I had just faked the whole thing (despite the casts and surgeries). The band directors had something against me, and I'm assuming that my ankle was why. I started to gain a lot of weight because I couldn't exactly exercise. My grades were starting to slip because of all the doctors appointments, etc. . No one in my family seemed to notice me, let alone attempt to understand me. I was depressed. I had very little desire to eat, but then when I did it seemed like I couldn't stop, I just ate until someone stopped me (which definitely did not help the weight gain). I missed my family and friends from before, they at least seemed to care about me. And it was so hard being away from Nana, someone who I had always known would listen to me and truly loved and cared about me. I know now that all of my family loved me, but at the time it just didn't seem like it.

Since no one seemed to like me, I started looking elsewhere for attention and I guess a way to build my self-esteem. You didn't have to be pretty or give out real information for these sites. No one really put true information on anyways, as long as it sounded good. I got wrapped up really fast and loved that people actually 'cared'. I quickly started talking to several people and when they would ask me questions, I would automatically give them the answer I thought the would like, no matter how untruthful it was. I hated lying, but I felt that this was the only way to get any attention. Things immediately just got worse and worse and I was absolutely ADDICTED to it. I would spend every free second immersed in it and would even stay up late (unbeknownst to my parents). I was even so addicted to it I started doing it even when my family was in the room, just closing out the window if anyone came to close. I knew mom and dad could sense something was up but couldn't seem to figure it out.

I had been attempting to 'secretly' save some IM conversations just so I could I guess relive the attention.  I had foolishly given my Facebook information to one guy who I faintly remember was at least twice my age. He noticed that one of my Facebook friends (a sister in the ward) was also one of his best friends. I'm not exactly sure how the rest of it started rolling, but I think he contacted the lady and then she in turn contacted mom and let her know what was going on. Mom found my 'secret' conversations and sat me down to talk about it. She couldn't believe what I was doing and asked me if I truly wanted all those things I had lied about, which I immediately told her I never actually did. I had also more than quadrupled the amount of texts I was allowed to use because I was IMing these guys on my phone as well and didn't know that it cost to send/receive them. Mom obviously banned me from the computer and took away my phone for an indefinite time. It was at least several months later before I was even allowed to do homework on the computer or even have my phone to call someone, and even then all texting/IMing had been completely blocked on my phone and would remain that way for about a year until I partially earned Mom's trust back.

I know Mom was utterly disappointed in me and I guess I was with myself (although at the time I think it was more because I couldn't believe I had let myself get caught). I really did want to try to earn back her trust as I hated disappointing her, but I didn't know how. It didn't exactly help that NONE of the above issues had changed, and now it seemed like Mom hated me on top of all of it. I did stay clear of all of it for a long time though.

Then, and I have no idea when, it suddenly appealed to me to do it again. I have no idea what got into me. I didn't do it like I had before, but occasionally I would just get on and immerse myself in it for hours. I did 'cover my tracks' but I still sometimes wonder if maybe Mom knew.

I don't know how this keeps coming back, but I want it to STOP! I want my eternal family. I don't want to stand completely and utterly ashamed before the Lord. I just don't know how to achieve it. I strive every day harder and harder to not even think about it, but sometimes I slip. I guess I need to just pray as hard as I possibly can. Not for help anymore necessarily, but more for the strength to withstand temptations and turn towards the Lord. I want to do all I can to return to live with Him and ALL of my family again someday.